25 Mar What Have You Silently Given Up On?
I’ve noticed something about men that warms my heart, and breaks it, all at the same time.
You are so driven to take care of others, that you will put your own desires on the shelf – if it means you can make someone happy. It is noble and downright heroic. You make the ones who love you feel adored, safe and incredibly important. That’s the part that warms me.
The part that breaks me is when you wake up wondering where the hell you put your cape because you can’t remember the last time you climbed a mountain. Sure you can go out and fight epic battles at work, score points with your partner and stand up for what you believe in. But what do you do that makes you feel so invincible, so totally free that you look like the guy in this picture? What do you do that restores your manhood so much that you can pierce your lover with just a gaze? What would it take for you to walk with such a presence that people have to deal with you?
I bet there was a time when you were a kid, or maybe not that long ago, when you bit off more than you thought you could chew, or you did something you always dreamt you would. Think about that moment. Let it rush through your body. What was it like? Don’t you want to tell someone about it?! I bet it was f*ing amazing.
We all want to be with you right there, right then – because in that moment you were on fire. You knew what you are truly made of. It’s not only intoxicating to witness, but it causes your girl, or your lover, to feel so safe in your arms because you are all man. I mean ALL man.
Now don’t get me wrong, when you come home early to help with the kids or sit for hours listening to us rant, it makes us want you still. But when you come home from conquering a demon or living out one of your greatest dreams, there are just no words for the happiness you bestow.
So here’s my question. Ok, two questions.
- Why have so many men given up on slaying dragons or doing things they’ve always wanted to do?
- How come their wives/lovers/partners allow it?
The men I coach are usually so consumed by pleasing their lovers, they will stop at nothing to produce that result. They blow my mind daily with their generosity and patience. And I usually have to ask them to go out and do something they never talk about doing – something they’ve silently given up on. Sometimes they push back saying, “No I’ve just got to try harder with her.” Every now and then, that might be true. But most often it’s a matter of finding something that he forgot he was passionate about and giving himself permission to go after it.
That’s when the magic happens. Suddenly, he’s like a little boy again. A giddiness sets in, like, “Wait, I can make her happy and be happy TOO?”
Uh-huh. Then, the bliss of planning and scheming sets in. Next, he wonders where all this energy is coming from cause he’s usually so tired. Oddly enough, his partner feels it and starts wanting to be around him more… You see where this is going.
I’ve seen it too many times. Guys, DON’T GIVE UP ON WHAT IS IMPORTANT TO YOU. Even if it’s regular golf with the guys – if it makes you feel like a man, if it makes you feel whole and right with yourself, DO IT. Tell your love that when you come home from said dragon slaying, you are going to slay her. Whatever it is your partner needs – the dishes cleaned, free time, whatever – you’ll take care of it. I personally know that if my man came home from doing something that totally turns him on, dishes would be the last thing on my mind.
You are irresistible when you are pursuing the things you crave. So if your partner doesn’t see it, or needs your support and thinks you’re away too much to make this happen, then sit him/her down and have an honest and free discussion. What is it that she needs that she’s not getting? What would you be willing to provide so that you both get the chance to feel totally alive and satisfied.
Usually that’s all it takes – a good talk.
There’s so much I stand for, but towards the very top of the list, it’s NO HOLDING BACK. I used to do it all the time. I was always afraid of letting someone down or displeasing people. So I’d play nice, not ask for what I needed and then you know what? I’d turn into a raving you-know-what. I’d get quietly resentful and then pretty soon, not so quiet at all.
And resentment is the ultimate relationship killer. KILLER.
Not only that, but when you hold back in relationship, a horrible domino effect happens. Your partner senses it and immediately holds back too. Then you hold back a little more and then your partner does too, until you’re so far away from each other you wonder if you can ever get back.
So don’t hold back your desires any more. Don’t give up your precious cravings and dreams – even in the name of laundry!
“Because in the end, you won’t remember the time you spent working in the office or mowing the lawn. Climb that goddamn mountain.”
– jack kerouac
When you come off that mountain, you can do the laundry for her – although she’ll probably just want you to DO her.