10 Apr Women: The Original Roller Coaster Ride.
Picture this: it’s morning, the sun is rising and you roll over to kiss your beautiful girl awake. She purrs and smiles. She’s happy. You get up to make her coffee and when you return, she’s all teary, thinking about how lucky she is to have you and this life. Just a couple of hours later she’s laser focused on something she’s creating for work. You take the chance to go work out and when you come home she says she’s feeling disconnected. You’re caught off guard so you start reminding her of the great morning you’ve had together, she says you’re being defensive, and before you know it you’re in a full blown fight and she starts bringing up stuff you did back in the ’90’s.
Make you want to run? This kind of day is what causes some guys to call us “crazy”. And believe me, we feel crazy a lot of the time. We cycle through countless emotions all day long. And if you don’t know how to “ride” them like a roller coaster ride – hands in the air, maybe a little scared, but good scared – then you’ll just want to keep running.
We want you to stay. And I bet you do too. So if you want a few powerful ways to stay and win with that girl – over and over – read on.
Tell her one simple statement:
“No matter what you say or do, I am in this. I’m not going anywhere.”
Take this couple as an example. They had been married for 15 years and their relationship was really struggling. They didn’t know if they were going to make it. He was trying to fulfill a dream and working very hard and she felt disconnected and unhappy. He didn’t feel like he could win with her – no matter what he did.
When you don’t feel like you can win, do you think about throwing in the towel?
He almost did. He was jumping through one hoop after another trying to make her happy and then one day, he said this:
“If I was alone there’s no way I’d do all this work – going to therapy, taking classes, learning about emotions. But I want you – and if that’s what will bring me closer to you. I’ll do whatever it takes. You make me a better man. It’s hard, but I love you. And I’m not going anywhere.”
They’ve never looked back. She knows he’s in, which makes her feel infinitely safe. She feels free to be who she is, and so does he. They can both acknowledge that sometimes the relationship is hard but no one is threatening to leave.
Take this approach and you become an ever-expanding playground for her.
Consider her unpredictability a challenge.
Never think that you’re failing, just because something worked last week and it doesn’t today. I have a few male clients who would love the fail-proof formula – the magic button to make their girl happy EVERY time. You want likelihood for success, right?
Just redefine success. Consider that every time you show up to understand her, you’re succeeding. Just being in the game and hunting us down, trying to figure us out, scores major points. Besides, if you knew every detail about us, and exactly what to do and when, things would get pretty boring, pretty fast. You love a challenge – just admit it.
Look and Listen.
Nothing matters to us more than to feel truly seen and heard. We want to know that you honestly care about what we’re going through. I know when I’m riding a roller coaster ride, it can be so crazy I just want to close my eyes, but try to keep them open. Don’t walk away and give her “space” – unless of course she asks for it. But beware – I don’t know many women that prefer space over connection. I even had a female client tell me the other day, “I walk away from him, but I really want him to follow me.” Another one said her man gave her space because he didn’t think she wanted to talk and she replied, “Honey, I ALWAYS want to talk.”
So if you don’t follow her, ask her how much time she needs and tell her you’ll be right back to check on her or bring her something. Let her know you’re there.
Throughout the day, be sensitive and tell her what you notice about her, “It seems like you’re extra happy today, baby. What happened today?” Or “Are you struggling with something? What do you need?”
Then, here’s the doozy: when she’s ready to talk, you pull up a chair and look at your watch and say this, “I’ve got all the time in the world. Bring it.” If you really mean it, she’ll start telling you everything, and I mean everything. That’s when you strap on your seatbelt for the twists and the turns, the corkscrews and the upside down free fall, but you ride it like it’s meant to be ridden. You don’t need to remember or follow every twist and turn. And you certainly don’t need to fix the ride. You marvel at it. You say to yourself, “Wow. This is wild. Look at all the ups and downs this girl has. She’s stunning. Look at how passionate she is. Man, I’m lucky.” And then pretty soon, you’ll pull up to the end of the ride and you’ll hear your woman let out the most unbelievable “sigh”. That’s the sign that you have done well, my friend. You are sitting in front of a woman who feels majorly seen and heard. And she’s gonna love you for it.
If you want superhero extra credit points, you can ask her this question,
The two most powerful words for a girl – ever.
Don’t care if you get hurt.
Yep I said it. I think we all care way too much about getting hurt and it prevents us from not only finding love, but being in love and as intimate as we crave to be. Relationships should free us to be our most fully expressed, real selves. And we are kidding ourselves if we think we can be in relationship and not get hurt sometimes. I spent plenty of time worrying about getting hurt, telling myself stories about all the times I had been hurt, and plotting how I’d prevent it. Until one day I just got sick and tired of holding back. So I did something a little radical: I made it my GOAL to get hurt. I told myself that it was a given, and that if I got hurt that would be evidence that I was being a fearless lover.
So I’m calling out your inner Sir Lancelot. He is inside every one of you. He’s that part of you that is so badass, such a hero, that he’s not afraid to die.
Do you remember the movie about him called, First Knight? James Bauer shared some brilliant insight in a piece he wrote saying,
“In the opening scene we discover Lancelot dueling commoners with his broadsword to make money. After easily defeating each of the brave men that stepped forward, one man in particular wanted to know how he had managed a particular maneuver that disarmed him.
He was fascinated by the skill that had just rendered him defenseless. He craved the knowledge that could give him equal power.
You may remember Lancelot’s reply. It became a theme in the plot of the story, responsible for his rapid rise in King Arthur’s Court and the passionate relationship with Guinevere.
Lancelot showed the young man the technique, and explained that its successful execution required something special. He said, “You must not care whether you live or die.”
This is how he approached his relationship with Guinevere. He brought a level of passion and persistence that could not be ignored despite seemingly insurmountable challenges. He poured his very being into his love for Guinevere, knowing full well that if his passion was denied his heart would break. Those are high-stakes to be playing with.”
Play the high stakes. Ride the big rides. Yes, they’re more dangerous, but isn’t that why we love them? They’re full of passion, fun and adventure.
There are your tools, kind Sir.
Enjoy the ride.